Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
