i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
