One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
