i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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