as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
