I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
did i just pee glitter
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
