If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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