Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
