I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
