I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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