Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
