you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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