there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
