Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
