I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Houston, we have a squirter
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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