Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
