Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how do flat chested girls get laid?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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