sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
