i would punch a child for taco bell
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
