My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
