I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
