i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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