dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
