Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
