I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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