I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
