And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
