Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
