He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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