ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
