Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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