Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
