I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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