yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I deserve this hangover.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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