Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
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He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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