i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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