went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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