I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
