I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
