My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
