I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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