i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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