The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
