I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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