Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
