Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
