Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
