I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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