why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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