Plan B is the new Plan A
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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