Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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