Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
