I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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