Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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