This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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