last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
