Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
